Advent Week 3 Joy: In Times of Loss

Tomorrow turns the last week in Advent, so I’m just squeaking this post through in the nick of time. Week 3 ~ Joy arrived in the midst of the loss in of a beloved young one. Her sweet life provided an opportunity to practice with the possibility of experiencing joy in the midst of grief. The first flicker of joy I recognized stirring in my heart was just after setting up an altar in her honor. I walked into my living room to the brilliant glow of orange, pink and lavender light. My jaw dropped in awe as I looked for the source, a winter sunset aflame out my sliding glass doors. Colors reminded me of her favorite tie-dye shirt that she wore in the picture gracing my altar....

My beloved one continued so beautifully in the last moments of setting sun. I stepped into the cold, Tahoe eve and gave thanks for her life, her love, all those she touched and...I felt joy, I felt peace. My mind relaxed it’s hold, I stopped fighting the new reality and I let go. In those moments, I was reminded of something I said to my nephew upon the loss of my father. Knowing my nephew was the sensitive type, I had given him a head’s up, not to worry if I cried in a continual stream at the funeral. I was giving myself the entire day to grieve my loss, but then, when the day was done, I would bring to mind only the joys of my father’s life, not the sorrows. My nephew sat alongside me on the pew, held my hand and understood.

There is a line I read at night in remembrance of my Sunset Beloved that fills my mind with beautiful light— The peace and joy of the entire world, including the worlds of the living and the dead, depend on our own peace and joy in this moment. With all our hearts and one-pointed mind, let us begin anew for the benefit of ourselves and our beloved ones.*

The peace and joy of the entire world...depend on our own peace and joy in this moment. As week 3 of Advent closes, may joy prevail, catching our eyes when we least expect it, taking our breaths away and reminding that life is treasured and precious.   

*Chanting from the Heart: Buddhist Ceremonies and Daily Practices by Thich Nhat Hanh

Advent Week 2 Love: in COVID Times

As lock downs went into effect this past Sunday in my state of California, I lit Advent candle week 2 ~ love. Across the wide world, stay-at-home orders are being enforced. The people of the United States and all around the globe, are needing love like never before in our lifetimes. As I contemplate the Advent candle of love, I ponder the cycle of expansion and contraction that can be seen in every natural thing: 

• Candle flame burning, receding
• Sun rising, falling
• Moon growing, lessening
• Spring and Summer expanding, Fall and Winter contracting
• Birth living, sickness dying

Everywhere expansion and contraction. I experienced a huge contraction last week—the death of a loved one—yet after the initial days of shock and loss, my breathing did eventually become fuller, longer, and regulated. I was able to experience the colors of sunset, smell of pine in the forest, the silkiness of my cat’s fur ~ expansion and contraction. 

As I light the evening Advent Candle for love, I wonder if expansion and contraction might be attributes of this virtue? There are days our hearts might feel full, there are days (especially during the pandemic) our hearts may be closed. When we see this contraction in our small business owners, next door neighbors, the healthcare worker who is tired, the lined faces of our loved ones on ZOOM, do we have the capacity to recognize, and rather than contract alongside—breathe, expand, grow our love and be present with the magnitude? 

In the second week of Advent, I enter the cycle of expansion and contraction and explore my own capacity to love deeper, fuller and in proximity to the conditions present in our world today. When I notice contraction in myself and others, I come back to my breathing, “Hello my dear one, I see you and I am here for you.” 

As the light of Love shines forth from the Advent Wreath, a little ditty speaks:

Stay Proximate~

To truly love,  
you can’t remain at a distance—
open your heart, 
get close. 

©2020 Karla Johnston, InnerConstellation.com

Advent Week 1 Hope: Arrival

Arrival 

©2020 Karla Johnston, InnerConstellation.com

 

“Hello, darling dear.”
Lighting the advent candles,
the 6:30am greeting enters 
sweet upon still-waking ears.
 
Could be deaf and still hear it,
what comfort, what joy.
I have an interesting habit 
that until this very moment could not be explained
yet, is intuitively followed—
middle candle, traditionally reserved for Christmas Eve, I always light straight-away, 
along with whatever candle represents the designated week before Christmas.
 
Why should I wait for God to arrive? This seems impossible.
 
Looking out the window, it is cold dusk, 
no light has yet to creep over Tahoe mountains,
but always it is there,
rising. 

Advent ~ Season of Arrival

 

Thanksgiving weekend found me very gratefully gathering pinecones and cutting pine boughs on a chilly Tahoe evening to decorate my Advent altar. Sun dropped below the mountains as moon rose in the sky, glorious and near full. I pondered week 1 ~ Hope.

Advent, means “arrival,” and I was reminded of a practice poem as I snipped and placed my greens, coming back to breathing deep the delicious scents of pine and vanilla candles ~ I have arrived, I am home ~ In the here and in the now ~ I am solid, I am free ~ In the Ultimate I dwell. 

“Hope” by it’s nature implies somewhere in the future, yet isn’t there always some glimmer available, a flickering, arrival of light if we train our eyes to find it? Can we arrive with an open, hopeful heart in every moment?

Lighting the match, 

extending flame to wick. 

Advent candle, week 1: Hope ~ 

I have arrived, 

I am home.         

Beginning Anew: November 15, 2020

Are your relationships feeling a strain during quarantine? I’ve increasingly heard folks expressing challenges arising from being together more during home isolation. Perhaps it’s time to go deep into the practice of Beginning Anew to gain clarity, insight and renewal. 

In the time of the Buddha, during full and new moons, communities of practice partook in a ceremony allowing loved ones to clear the air so hurts didn’t accumulate. This ancient ceremony has been passed down and expressed in 4 elegant steps to help us see ourselves, situations and those we love more clearly. The practice is called Beginning Anew.

On November 15 New Moon, the opportunity to Begin Anew with oneself, a situation or a loved one is being extended. We have 10 spots at The Studio, measured to ensure 6 feet of physical distancing (unless you are in the same family group). This is an RSVP event due to space constrictions. All you need bring is the loved one with whom you are experiencing conflict and a commitment to listen and speak with your whole heart. If Beginning Anew is best directed towards yourself or a situation which has been difficult to resolve, you can be paired with either the facilitator or another participant with a similar focus. 

You will be guided through four steps of conscious breathing, loving speech, and compassionate listening as ways of keeping communication open and resolving conflicts. When practiced regularly, Beginning Anew brings deeper understanding and harmony to any relationship or situation. 

Invite a loved one, bring a mask and come experience Beginning Anew which teaches—with every breath, you and the present moment are reborn and can begin again. 

Time: Sunday, November 15 from 9:30a-11:00a 

Sliding Scale Suggested Donation:  $15-30 per person - no one turned away for lack of funds

Location: The Studio Lake Tahoe, 3200 US Hwy 50, South Lake Tahoe, CA 96150

Facilitator: Karla Johnston, True Compassionate Dwelling, Certified HeartMath Clinician, 
owner InnerConstellation.com

RSVP: Karla@InnerConstellation.com

Inner Constellation Continuation

Yesterday was a tender day of celebration as Thich Nhat Hanh celebrated his 94th birthday. Friends and practitioners of mindfulness gathered on ZOOM and shared stories of how Thay ("teacher" in Vietnamese) has touched our lives. As so many transformations were shared, I thought back to the first time I came in contact with the concrete practice of mindfulness....

The year was 2014 when I visited Deer Park Monastery, a practice center in the tradition of Thich Nhat Hanh and spent a week on a private retreat in Clarity Hamlet, living with the nuns. I felt, for the first time in my life, a sense of home--as if a peaceful and happy life was possible. I remember returning from my stay and describing the nuns to my husband with the only language I knew at the time, "They were holy." I aspired within me to walk with such peace, smile with such peace, live with their degree of presence. I remember wrestling with the idea that to live like at the monastery was not "real life." My sweet husband challenged this idea, and I will never forget what he asked, "Why do you assume the monastery is not real life?" At the time, I had no idea how to live so calm, peaceful and happy in the midst of absolute, chaotic busyness. A three year journey began that led to ordination at Deer Park in 2017 and a continued aspiration to grow my heart's capacity for compassion, peace and understanding. 

In March 2020, COVID hit, the brakes were applied, and the way I live has changed drastically, as it has for everyone. But here's the thing--life slowed down: my interpreting business, teaching, commitments, everything. It's been a blessing to feel, very visirally, the tremendous refuge of a personal practice in the midst of a post COVID world. 

A few weeks ago, I was asked to return to The Studio Lake Tahoe to offer private Inner Constellation sessions. I accepted, knowing it was a step in deepening my commitment to peace and well-being while offering The Studio as a sanctuary for those benefiting from support during these times. Now, Thich Nhat Hanh permeates my offerings, contemplation infuses my approach to any suffering and offers a way to remember joy and happiness even in the midst of challenges. I've used the last 7 months of slow-time and became HeartMath certified, something I wanted to do for years. 

If you feel you would like to partner with me in discovering ways contemplation--going within the sacred, and yes, "holy" refuge of your own body and mind--to grow peace and happiness to your life, please consider contacting me. At a time when so many folks are struggling, it's important to me and Crissy (owner of The Studio) to offer sliding scale gift economy payment options so that care is affordable and The Studio can stay afloat during restrictions in operation. When I think of the Inner Constellation motto in which I set up shop 10 years ago, I smile, knowing I have indeed come home: 

What if everything you need is inherent in you right now—profuse, abundant
 and perfectly sufficient. 

Mothers of Unrest

The following was written after hearing the goose-bump speech of Julia Jackson, in response to her son being shot by police in Kenosha, WI. Her speech was not sad, it was not hopeless, but rather the exact opposite. At the end of the poem is a link to view the powerful speech. As we move into September and the theme, “Community in the Eye of the Storm,” Julia Jackson is a North Star to watch, listen and soak in:

Mothers of Unrest

©2020 Karla Johnston, InnerConstellation.com

September 1, 2020

A storm brews more powerful than a hurricane,

people whipped up, circling, caught in the maelstrom.

Young men

shot by police,

call into question

excessive use of force.

 

Eyes rest upon the scene,

seeing black men, young sons, neighborhoods echoing the shots

amidst mothers, calling for peace.

 

“Clearly, you can see by now

That I have beautiful brown skin,

But take a look at your hand

And whatever shade it is, it is beautiful as well.

How dare we hate what we are.

We are humans.

God did not make one type of tree

or flower, or fish, or horse, or grass, or rock. 

How dare you ask him to make one type of human

that looks just like you.

I’m not talking to just Caucasian people. 

I am talking to everyone:

White, black, Japanese, Chinese, red, brown,

No one is superior to the other….

We are the United States.

Have we been united?

Do you understand what’s going to happen when we fall?

Because a house that is against each other can not stand. 

 

“Citizens, police officers, firemen, clergy, politicians: 

Do Jacob justice on this level and examine your hearts. 

We need healing. 

As I pray for my son’s healing—physically, emotionally and spiritually—

I also have been praying even before this for the healing of our country.

Everybody, let’s use our hearts, our love,

and our intelligence to work together

to show the rest of the world how humans are supposed to treat each other. 

America is great when we behave greatly.”

 

Julia Jackson, Eye of the Storm,

Holy Mother,

walk, stand, show 

in this suffrage,

True North.

 

 

Video of Julia Jackson’s speech

Love Languages Amidst A Circus Act

In this time of COVID-19, we’ve heard many people lament the difficulties of physical and social distancing. Undoubtedly, when I hear our struggles, the Love Languages come to mind, and this question—how do you express your love? And, equally important—how do you best receive love?

Here are the five supposed Love Languages (there are probably far more than 5):

• Kind Words (spoken or written)
• Physical Touch
• Deep Listening
• Acts of Service
• Gift Giving

What is your dominant expression of love? During this time of self-isolation (that word makes me cringe! Kind Words are my primary Love Language!)—I shall try again—during this time of sequestering away :) is it possible to practice developing Love Languages other than Physical Touch? How might we strengthen the other four? 

Here’s a most recent example of how this might play out. This weekend I was looking forward to a bit of writing (Love Language uno) but instead was needed to bend pipe! My husband is constructing a garden box for me (Love Language Acts of Service) and due to our cool and crisp Tahoe summers, plans include a cold-frame. However, to achieve a cold frame capable of supporting our snow load, we must...bend pipe. 

As we began this process, I joked (Love Language Kind Words) that we were performing a circus act. The Strong Man smiled, then, freakishly bent pipe while the Lovely Assistant held the pipe and sang carnival songs...until what we thought would be a couple hours, turned into late evening. The Lovely Assistant threatened to turn nasty until...yep, she remembered the Love Languages. I gratefully realized that I had the opportunity to practice an Act of (lengthy) Service to my adored Strong Man, our beautiful yard and the vegetables that will be so happy in the warmth of the cold frame. I bit my tongue and realized it takes mindfulness, tremendous awareness, especially in pandemic times, to care for one another and strengthen our love. 

Let us practice together, especially now—when we feel our resistances kick into high gear. For our friends who Speak the Language of Touch, might we find other ways to show them our love? Can we strengthen our recognition of what others need during this trying time? 

Life is a circus: sing, dance, bend pipe, practice the Love Languages and grow vegetables!

 

Good Trouble RIP John Lewis

Precious, conscience-of-the-nation, John Lewis, has died and since hearing the news of his passing this weekend, I have walked, sung and watched two thunderstorms build in the clouds and unleash their blessings, while touching the hero nature of this man.

I remember some years ago hearing an interview John Lewis gave to Krista Tippett that permanently changed my world. He spoke directly to my soul, expanding my sense of engaging other beings with dignity—especially those who disagreed with you— and by doing so, the beloved community grows.

John Lewis internalized a loving heart during the civil rights movement, even as he was mocked, tear-gassed, trampled by horses, beaten to an inch of his life and jailed. During a time when it was only natural to close down for self preservation, he did the opposite, he opened. He claims that he felt no bitterness, no animosity toward his persecutors. His life in every way shows dedication to peace and love as ultimate North Stars.

He has said, “Non-violence is not the absence of violence but the presence of justice, presence of bringing the dirt and the filth out into the light so we can deal with it.” During the non-violent campaign, participants were trained to look into the eyes of the ones who disagreed with you, address them as holy and sacred. He stressed that we must be taught to love and to see the spark of divinity in every fellow human being, and that we don’t have the right to extinguish the sacred spark. We are often taught to hate, to abuse and so we must appeal to the goodness in every human being and never give up, never give up on anyone. This way of engaging is conflict resolution for holy beings, those who have their sights and their feet in the Eternal Dimension, in the land of freedom.

One of his most recent quotes of 2018 is a Tweeted-torch, a lamp for this time we find ourselves:

"Do not get lost in a sea of despair. Be hopeful, be optimistic. Our struggle is not the struggle of a day, a week, a month, or a year, it is the struggle of a lifetime. Never, ever be afraid to make some noise and get in good trouble, necessary trouble."

He speaks of being pulled into The Spirit of History and that we have a moral obligation, a mandate to engage suffering, to recognize what is harmful and cast light on it. But, here’s the mandate: engage with love, peace and strong faith in the goodness of humanity. John Lewis taught that our civility demonstrates the absurdity of the other side.

"Freedom is not a state; it is an act. It is not some enchanted garden perched high on a distant plateau where we can finally sit down and rest. Freedom is the continuous action we all must take, and each generation must do its part to create an even more fair, more just society.”

John Lewis, Rest In Peace, knowing you have made a mark on history that is incomprehensibly good. As your divine spark shines inside future generations, may we nourish its light and tend it like a beacon.

All Is Well Even In Social Upheavals!

After writing about an amazing experience yesterday, poem below came through on Facebook as a past memory/post from a few years ago— I just love synchronicity and the confirmation that all is well. It deserves reposting here, especially with George Floyd and our current unrest, RIP:

Child of God
©Karla Johnston, 2007

If you only knew who surrounds you always,
fear would have no hold.
my protection would suffice.

Realize you are mine,
and courage thrives,
imagination unbinds.

If you only knew what we have shared,
you would feel, taste, smell, see, hear
all I offer you.

Understand I am alive,
dry bones dance,
holy breathe enlivens thee.

If you only knew how much you are cherished,
love would have no boundaries,
abundance would be your birthright.

In all things,
joyous or mundane,
each and every day,
I am here, inside,
waiting for your
remembrance.

Do You Know Just How Loved (Amidst COVID-19)

As we approach May with no answers as to when we’ll return to working order amidst the pandemic, a new poem sprouts....

Do You Know Just How Loved

©2020 Karla Johnston, InnerConstellation.com

Eyes and hands of compassion

always roaming…always reaching out—

Remember Master Daowu, that Zen master who said, 

“It’s like adjusting a pillow in the night.”

Arriving at the surgery center during COVID,

balancing the mask,
elastic behind the ears, hearing aids,
long hair.

Dang it, forgot the hair tie!

Step out the car and feel something beneath my shoe

Lift my sole to discover—a hairband,
and, it matches my outfit, get out!

Smiling at this gift,
I wash it good, along with my hands,
and secure my locks in pure wonderment.

A few days later I head out into the wild,

no music, no earbuds, just a heart open to the signs—

I’m mountain biking on the down

and ride through a puddle,

turn back around

to look upon

a mud-hole-elongated-heart,

reflecting the sky

as if to say, 

“Don’t ever forget,
I love you.”

I smile at Creator’s sense of humor,

the intimate knowledge of my personal motto—
you got to learn to sling mud

to grow lotuses.

It seems a theme
COVID-19–

those hands, those eyes,

there’s so little

that I actually need.

Shocked Into Presence ~ COVID 19

Shocked Into Presence

COVID-19

April 9, 2020

©2020 Karla Johnston, InnerConstellation.com

It has taken three weeks

to bring myself to the page,

attempt this weak

expression of our strange new world.

Here in America predictions are—

numbers will peek Easter Sunday 

and hopefully then, the curve will flatten.

Worldwide cases: over 1.6 million

Deaths: 97,237

USA: 451,491

Deaths: 15,938

USA jobs lost: well over 16 million 

As we wait this out, 

quarantined and socially distanced.

I include the numbers in a search for perspective,

think back in history to the ancestors 

who perhaps like me felt entirely Incapable

of recording the depths, 

lives impacted,

So in mind-numb did not.

I know one True North—compassion:

health care providers, grocery clerks, 

businesses that have retooled production

for ventilators, hand sanitizer, PPE. 

When asked about the many eyes and hands of compassion, 

Master Daowu said, 

“It’s like reaching back in search of a pillow in the night.”

There are two parts of me, one who watches:

numbers climb, economy crash,

And another, Master Daowu, 

who reaches in the dark—

natural,

effortless,

innate,

fearless.

Tattoos Will Save Us!

I’m slowly coming back into the blog scene, my loves, and it feels good. I have a loved one who is in recovery and my writings since March 2019 have been generating love poems for him. My personal North Star as many may know is—Compassion as the number #1 condition. A motto that helps me practice to this capacity and Chart My Course is—pay attention to what is needed and offer something useful.

Recovery is a messy, muddy road and what I can offer is a perspective of gratitude along the way—a lotus in the mud, so to speak. Here is a latest offering for my loved one who personifies Inner Constellation Truth #3– Everything, no matter how challenging, has the ability to be transformed.

Body the Canvas

©2020 Karla Johnston, InnerConstellation.com

“Guess what?” 

I breath, smile and type, “What?”

while practicing relaxing my body and mind,

thinking positive when a potential loaded text comes through.

In the moments it takes to receive an answer,

I look out the window

on a cold and brisk afternoon.

Sun low, rides gold across pine boughs.

A few lines from an India Arie song filter in,

stuck in my head almost nonstop these days,

I begin to hum, “I am Light…I am Light…um hmm.” 

Picture of a tattoo on your thigh comes through:

triangle, eye in the middle, pupil open like a deep pool,

all around the peripheral, sun rays emanate.

Skin’s a little irritated, red and glossy so it looks somewhat alive,

shimmering,

nice effect.

“So, I’ve always been interested in tattooing, 

bought a tattoo gun and kit on Amazon for 38 bucks,

watched a YouTube video

and did my first tattoo on myself.”

What?!? No way!

I try imagining sitting still through that kind of pain. 

“Awesome! Takes trust to tattoo yourself!”

I feel you smile.

“Well I figured thighs good practice skin,

till I get good enough to do it somewhere visible. 

I really like it and expected my first to turn out horrible.”

“Looks professional! What’s it represent?”

Song gets cranking in my head, can’t keep it in,
I’m singing out loud, “I am light…I am light…um hmm,”

and looking at your shiny, radiating tattoo.

“Clarity, I guess,

Seeing things on a deeper level.

Higher power.”

Over the next few days

pics of more self-ink:
ankle tattoo, more triangles,

a sweet skull on the back of your calf—
my personal favorite so far, for as I took it in

I realized beneath our face skin 

our skulls are always grinning, always.

Maybe it’s a constant reminder to smile, 

everything is OK,

and our nose bones are upside down hearts,

how about that.

I text you back, “Guess what?”

“What?” comes the reply.

“I think you found your calling.”

You’re so in the moment, “With what?” 

I laugh out loud, “Doing what you enjoy that makes bodies beautiful.”

Courage grows and by the weekend,

You inked a dog, wine glass, baby Yoda reaching for a nipple squeeze

and…your best so far, but it gave me pause…

Is it what I think it is? How did you catch the angle, just right?

I pass the pic to my husband, who laughs,

“Oh geez, consult the sign language interpreters in the family!”

I text you back,

“Whose thigh did you tattoo the sign ‘ass-hole?’”

It looks like the leg of my nephew-in-law.

I see you both, laughing and having a good time.

“Yes, it’s his thigh.         

It’s the sign you make, and if somebody looks, you get to punch them.” 

Earlier, you had text me a picture from instagram or someplace,

it’s in the middle of a conversation about hygiene (it’s the auntie in me),

and learning how to grow your obvious skill.

I type, “Well you’ve got your connections and you could do it.”

Before I hit send, another pic comes through, 

“I think I found my next one.”

When I see it, I know tattooing is your body poetry,
your story’s canvas… 

Forces that Shape

Hello, darling dears. I had the most wonderful experience a few weeks ago of falling in love, yet again. I was talking to my husband (who is my greatest love:) about people (and critters) you just happen to meet and immediately feel some kind of connection—strong and unexplainable. We’ve all experienced it and don’t really know why as we’re drawn heart-to-heart like magnets. My husband gave it a word— “imprinting.” Now, at first his choice gave me pause, I worked at a wildlife center for years and imprinting was something to avoid at all cost, otherwise you might have a 500# pound bear thinking you’re his mama! But upon closer inspection of the word, my husband may be onto something:

To impress or stamp upon, to come to recognize in another habitual trust

Hmmm, um, yah, could meet the definition. My newest love is the dear, sweet girlfriend of my nephew (another one I’ve imprinted on). Somehow I know, whatever may come, this girl is a keeper for me. I also owe her tremendous gratitude  because in analyzing the precious ones whom have imprinted upon me, they all share something in common—Grit (with a capitol G).

I realized too, those spiritual ancestors that I have imprinted upon: Martin Luther King, Jr (happy MLK day, ya’ll), Joan of Arc*, Rumi, Jesus, Hafiz, Malala Yousafzai, Thich Nhat Hanh, Nadia Murad, Sister Chan Khong, ...the list goes on and on and on....they also have Grit with a capitol G. Perhaps Grit is a telling North Star?

So what are the forces within a person that intermingle and shape who we become? Have you ever considered that whenever you are with someone—a dearly beloved imprinted one, or the bagger at the grocery store—those 90 seconds you spend together are your opportunity to make connection—to be a bright light on the path of life, to reach out and let them know they are a treasure. When a person is met who impresses in another deep trust—that is a tremendous gift, perhaps the greatest gift one can give.

Who are the ones who open your heart? Be with them, love them deeply and reflect back their qualities of open hearted presence. Awww, it’s time for this Sappy McSappy Pants to go fall in love again, and again, and again....


* Karla’s full length ebook novel: Child of God: The Humble Beginnings of Joan of Arc

Higher Power Year 2020

I spend time these days with wonderful tender hearts recovering from addiction—so much beauty, and awakening beginning to be realized. I think often of the great desire within the human being for connection to a deeper purpose and meaning in life and this search, that can take us seemingly off track for a time. This is a poem, written new year’s eve 2020, with much gratitude for a year of blessings and wisdom in the Recovery community, thank you:

Higher Power

December 31, 2019

You have taught me,

that my addiction is Spirit, 

not some old bearded guy in the clouds

but the bodily experience of

flow,

space, 

freedom.

Sunshine, clouds building to storm,

smell of rain and meadow flowers,

lightning impact of the perfect string of words,

singing Christmas hymns at a holy roller church,

surrounded by congregation’s candlelight flames,

ten mallets striking the sacred drum,

lying beneath the stars at 3:00am,

a genuine open-hearted smile,

the graced notes of a violin.

It’s something that embodies, comes and goes but never leaves,

do you know what I mean?