As a family member who is on the care team of a loved one in a cycle of active addiction/recovery, I have recently been looking deeply at denial as a coping mechanism and as an obstacle to clear seeing. Denial is a supreme survival instinct, it allows us to self-preserve and not be overwhelmed. In the short-term, denial allows us to function and keep moving forward. In the long-term, however, denial is extremely detrimental. Denial props up a false narrative, it's a refusal of the present painful moment. In my family situation, denial plays a very strong and embedded role in why the cycle of addiction continues.
I'm known to be able to sleep anywhere, anytime, in any situation. I have fallen asleep talking on the phone, standing up, going to the bathroom, sitting in the hot tub...you get my point. I've learned to recognize my fawning behavior and as the sleepiness creeps in, I ask, "What am I shutting out?"
Last night I identified for the first time a cycle of denial and how it functions in me personally. I was on a call with a loved one, hashing out a crisis. I did not fall asleep! I was a very clear observer, able to see the suffering, stay with it, hold it and not try to change anything. It was not mine to change, and I knew that. When I hung up, I of course, went to sleep :) and when I woke in the morning it was with a very sensitive heart, a heart overflowing with compassion for my loved one. This is my cycle, this is my circle: escape into rest and upon waking up, feel the emotions. Clarity comes in those first moments of waking. And this is what I discovered...
One of the main reasons I was able to be 100% available and keep my energy on the call was because I wasn't attempting to change anything. I wasn't attempting to fix, problem solve or alter the present moment. Whoa! Humongous realization.
Another layer to this waking up, is--when I am present, clear, not shut down, I can make a decision how I wish to respond. I have no control over my loved one, but I have all control over my response. Will I shut down, pretend all is well, or will I open my heart and meet this great suffering with a skillful response? I know it's possible, I've been on the receiving end. In order to give to my fullest capacity, denial has no long-term home in me. I am committed to seeing with clear eyes, noticing my cycle of escape and identifying what I am pushing away.
Writing all of that just now, a word comes to mind ~ embrace. Open and embrace. Dang, that's a warrior move! I need to let that sink in for a spell. Maybe I need to escape into wakeful rest. I'll be back with Denial Part II.
*if this post spoke to you, it was generated through my workings with the 8 Caregiving Foundations. Please join me and Jonathan Prescott on a deep dive into these skillful means
