Aurora Movie Theater Remembrance and Reopening

Last night, folks streamed into Denver's Century Aurora movie theater for the first time since a gunman fired on a sold-out show of The Dark Knight Rises almost six months ago to the day. A remembrance ceremony was held for survivors, first responders and friends and family members of the victims. I found myself touched by the resiliency of one man in attendance, Marcus Weaver, who was not only shot but also lost his friend. He spoke honestly of the fear he overcame in going to the event. Even his therapist was unsure if he could handle revisiting the scene, but something inside Marcus told him he needed to face his fear and in doing so, he transformed it:

• "I walked up to door very apprehensive, nervous and anxious. This guy wanted to take a picture with me, so I said ok. It turns out his brother had passed in the theater and he wanted to come and represent much like me. His brother is Matt McQuinn, he protected his family from gunfire. Amazing courage. It gave me courage to go inside."

• It was so difficult. Tons of people, so Megan Sharp (his girlfriend) and I ducked in a theater and prayed. Then things seemed less, as the Lord became more.

Once inside the theater where the massacre took place he was unexpectedly greeted by 14 year old Kaylen Bailey. When I saw the picture of the two of them they both seemed to glow! Marcus had met Kaylen five years earlier, serving food to the homeless. Her heartbreaking 911 calls from inside the theater were played during the shooter's evidence hearing last week. Marcus embraced Kaylen, "She was my answer, heaven sent." 

Aren't people good? Yes, most definitely, yes. One horribly disturbed individual impacted the lives of those in the Aurora theater last July, but many hundreds of good, good people have provided comfort, love and support:

• Last night the shooter would have probably been upset to see all the things he tried to tear down have been built back up again. The carpet is different, the paint is new and the backdoor he went through isn't even there. He would have seen Kaylen sitting by me, giving me hugs and smiles and comfort....Am I glad I went? Yes. Am I completely healed? No....I didn't realize how much I have grown personally until I sat back in that seat. I have changed physically (shoulder), mentally (PTSD), but my heart was renewed.

When I read Marcus's words, I was reminded of Inner Constellation Truth #3: Everything, no matter how challenging, has the ability to be transformed. Also, I was reminded of IC Truth #2: Energy never dies it just changes form--the brother of the man who lost his life instilled Marcus with courage. Even though the brother had died, his heroic act of saving members of his family from harm continued to have profound effect, not only in the testimony of lives spared but in the bolstering of yet another fellow victim.   

 My love of metaphor prompted me to look up the meaning of the word, "Aurora." Interestingly, it means--dawn, daybreak, morning, as well as the obvious--the beauty of the Northern Lights shining in night sky. The surrounding dark just highlights those bright and beautiful lights--Marcus, Kaylen, the brother, Matt McQuinn, and all the good people of Aurora even more. 

Become a Chinese Finger Trap

Happiest new year to you all! I just returned from a 10 day Vipassana Meditation retreat and have received many questions about my experience, so I thought to write a blog article. I knew very little about what I was getting into, and interestingly, the things I thought might be difficult (not eating after 12 noon, keeping the body warm while sitting still for long periods of time) were not so difficult, and the things I thought would be easy (vow of silence for 10 days, getting away from the daily grind) were not easy at all. By day two I was in a groove with the dining arrangement, enjoying thoroughly the light breakfast and delicious vegetarian lunch provided. In the evening, raw fruit and tea was served. I have quick metabolism and feared hunger would prove a distraction, but it didn't, and interestingly, it felt good to be light and hollow (condition one to becoming a Chinese Finger Trap...be patient, I'm getting there:). The floors were heated, so I was cozy as cozy can be and in damp Northern California with record lows, that was a blessing. The vow of silence was painstaking. When I saw other people having a hard time during our ten days, it was very difficult to not comfort them in the typical ways we tend to comfort. No communication or touch of any kind was permitted. So, I took to looking for ways of comforting that didn't involve any of the above: opening doors for people, turning serving spoons toward the next person in line, constructing a heart out of moss and leaving it outside the door to our cabin when one of my cabin mates was having a hard time. I guess this was technically communicating, oops. Regarding getting away from it all--I felt completely sensory deprived: lighting so low in the meditation hall it looked like dusk 24-7, no chairs to be found except during dining times, no talking, no touching, no extraneous mind chatter.... By day three, honestly, I was bored to tears. But all this changed once I got over the hump of day three.

This brings us to the meditation practice and becoming a Chinese Finger Trap. We sat for eleven hours a day, yes, eleven. I didn't know this until I showed up at the retreat. Not that a schedule wasn't sent, it was, but I decided if I looked, I would be scared away. I know, silly, but have you ever known you had to do something without fully understanding why? The Vipassana technique matches perfectly the Inner Constellation theory of wellness and is elegant in it's simplicity--so much so, that it may seem too simple to be effective: consciously breathe through the nose while scanning the body for any and all sensations without trying to change or manipulate anything--be present with whatever you sense without attraction or aversion. Why did I choose to observe myself like this, you might ask? In my work with trauma, my counseling skills only get me so far. I see the great need for equanimity above all else, to not judge what I'm hearing for this immediately takes me out of the present and into the trauma. I also know that when I begin to have an aversion to what I'm hearing, or experiencing in my own body, my effectiveness stops cold.

After 110 hours of sitting like this, did I reach Nirvana, did I obtain enlightenment and equanimity? Not exactly, but among the mundane experiences, I had some truly disembodied experiences, one of which was a very distinct feeling that I was enclosed in a woven cocoon and gently stretched and pulled from head to toe. "Chinese Finger Toy," crossed my mind as I experienced the sensations. The only way to get out of such a device is to relax and stop pulling, stop tugging, stop trying to control. This I did to the best of my ability and began to realize that during retreat I was a craver, my mind often chased the future of reuniting with family, cuddling with husband and Yogini (kitty) by the warm fire, skiing powder runs, eating chocolate, standing in bright sunshine, seeing my clients again. The list of cravings went on and on. How difficult it is to be in the present unknown moment arising, passing, and to be stretched and pulled by the inner and outer world without trying to control or manipulate what's going on and simply relax into the experience without any kind of judgment. To obtain such freedom is in line with my North Star--unshakable compassion. After this retreat, I'm even more convinced that body is the holy gateway, the framework for everything coming into expression and passing away. How do we chose to respond?

"...and the (leg) lamp blazed forth in unparalleled glory...."

A few nights ago I had a little meltdown. I lost an expensive battery pack that attaches to my ski boot and warms my foot when I'm on the mountain playing in the white stuff. The timing of the missing hot pack was terrible, as we had received three feet of fresh powder the day before, and I was gearing up to go skiing in the morning. No big deal, you might say, but for my previously frost bitten foot, skiing in the powder with temperatures in the teens wasn't an option. As soon as I noticed the battery missing, I knew when it had happened--my boot had taken a tumble in the parking lot a few days prior as I had hurried from the slopes to work.  I immediately went to self-blame, I should have taken better care and not been in such a mindless hurry. My mood turned sour, self-blame coloring my perception, literally making me deaf to my husband's problem solving consolation attempts.

After about thirty minutes of stomping my cold feet like the baby I was, it hit me to stop the insanity I was creating and shed some light on what was going on inside versus everything wrong on the outside. Why was my self-blame so consuming? I sat down, began to tap and literally envisioned light illuminating the situation. Like Ralphie enthralled with his father's strange but compelling "major award," I got as curious as I was capable of becoming and began exploring the most telling part of the experience--my reaction. It took about five minutes of conscious body work to bring my internal distress down and in turn become more resourceful.

When I woke in the morning and looked out at the blessings still falling from the sky, I was reminded of this season of unparalleled light as the days become longer and sunshine lengthens across the land. I was reminded that I always have the choice to change my perception, consciously stop and turn the light of understanding toward my Inner Constellation, to become curious and enthralled rather than blinded by the outside evidence as I point my finger in blame. May the lamp blaze forth in unparalleled glory....for all to see and be curiously drawn! Merry Christmas.

Volunteers for Connecticut Community

Since my last post on the importance of alleviating suffering for those affected by the Sandy Hook Elementary school shootings, I've received an amazing email. Nick Ortner is a leader in the Meridian Tapping community and lives in Newtown, CT where the shootings occurred. He is organizing a major fund-raising event and has mobilized a team of Meridian Therapy practitioners to provide support to people affected by the tragedy. So far, he has raised over $30,000 to go toward providing Meridian Tapping to ease the grief of those suffering. The team will be lead by Lori Leyden, a woman who used Meridian Tapping with Rwanda genocide survivors and founded Project Light: Rwanda. You might remember my blog article about Lori after I had the pleasure of meeting her.

Here are the details of the fundraiser for Newtown and how you can personally help--a few years ago, Nick produced, The Tapping Solution film, an excellent documentary exploring the effectiveness of Meridian Tapping. He's presently offering the film at half price ($14.97) and one hundred percent of sales will go to The Tapping Solution for Newtown: Stress and Trauma Relief Project. If you want to find out more, please read Nick's blog article. I own a copy of the film and highly recommend it. Please join me in donating to Nick's Newtown trauma relief project. Here is one way to help alleviate the suffering of the Newtown community and further your knowledge and skill of Meridian Tapping--a most important tool in the Inner Constellation toolbox. 

Connecticut Shootings

There is no fitting response to the mass shootings of 28 people last Friday, 20 of them ages six and seven. If you all are like me, after the immediate sorrow and shock, there's an impulse to try to make sense of the senseless so we can prevent reoccurrences in the future. Gun control is the recent hot topic of debate, and it's most curious to me that "restriction" is the go to emotion. It seems audacious to think that killing can be prevented simply by taking away weapons. For me, everything goes back to the Inner Constellation--violence within, becomes violence without.

I firmly believe prevention of violence toward another demands the exact opposite of "restriction"--expansion. Expansion of our abilities to identify the marginalized among us and those who are at risk of striking out. Every time a mass murderer is described, I've noticed a personality theme: isolated, kept to themselves and didn't interact with others. When we notice such a troubled soul, it's an automatic response to pull away or retract. The only exception I've seen to this is the response of children, who seem to respond with curiosity and wanting to know more. What if we took it upon ourselves to reach out to individuals who isolate themselves?

The next argument to reaching out might be, what if I'm not equipped to deal with the troubled person? Today, news channels are reporting this is most certainly the case, therefore more money is needed for mental health services. Ironically, most people who receive mental health services report that family and friends provide more support than professional counselors. The genuine love and care of a community of people is incredibly powerful. Don't doubt for a minute the human potential to alleviate the pain of another--we have a heart and an impetus for life--these are our tools for reaching out rather than pulling away. Now to the all important question--what if someone is a whack job, how can I possibly make a difference? A person who guns down innocent children is most certainly a whack job! However, this is where the IC Truths come in:

1) Everything is Energy - the good, the bad, and the ugly
2) Energy never dies it just changes form - the good the bad and the ugly are all powerful agents of influence
3) Everything, no matter how challenging, can be transformed - the good, the bad, and the ugly can  always be transformed

We have great ability to alleviate suffering, and ultimately another person's suffering becomes our suffering, as is evident in the tragedy of the Connecticut shootings. We have a human responsibility to alleviate the suffering of others around us. Dawn Hochsprung and Mary Sherlach understood this as they charged toward the sound of gunfire erupting inside the classroom, as did Victoria Soto and other women who heroically shielded their children from gunfire. For me, alleviating suffering is the lesson of the Connecticut shootings and the key to preventing more tragic expressions of "insanity." May all people affected in any way by the shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary School be comforted and supported by their community during this time of loss.


For a beautifully written article and video footage honoring the victims of the Connecticut shootings, please click here.


 

Preciousness of Life

Life is precious. Experiencing the loss of Life drives this truth home and presents our mortality in a way that can't be escaped. One of my dad's favorite verses says, "Why, you don't know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? You are but a vapor, that appears for a little while and then vanishes away." 

Precious Life (consciously capitalized, for it is holy), demands immediacy, requires active participation in this moment, right NOW, for tomorrow is never promised. NOW because this moment is pure creation--this thought, this action, this feeling. How am I expressing my precious Life? Am I adding to or taking away from other precious Lives? I feel a poem coming on, when sentences fail, I go to imagery....

All Hail!
©Karla Johnston, InnerConstellation.com

Holy Ones, who understand the pull of this life,
stand on the shore, hailing the waves in the sea,
trying so desperately to get our attention,
but we see only our own momentum—

how the tide recedes.

Wake up
to precious Life!

Shout and join the supplication
before rising from fallen knees.
What is your imprint,
on those walking by,
before it’s washed out to sea?

Here's the IC challenge--Precious, Precious Life, smile to at least one person today. Notice their imprint and bring encouragement. Tell me about it, I want to hear how you are spreading the love and joining the Holy Ones. 

A Daughter Gives Thanks

I lost my father yesterday, November 21, 2012. As I write this, I’m sitting on a plane, flying from West to East to comfort and be comforted by family. I had plans this week, to write a blog article on one of my favorite “Chart Your Course,” practices that always manages to get me moving in the right direction—practicing gratitude. “In any and all situations, give thanks” is my motto. I had imagined such an article timed to the Thanksgiving holiday.

Yesterday  was one of my greatest gratitude tests. As I lay in bed last night, I could not stop crying, tears flowed, non-stop. The closest words to describe the feelings were, “heart-break.” Interestingly, this description was signed to me by a Deaf client only a few days prior as tears streamed down his face uncontrollably. He had received a similar blow, having heard of a friend’s passing. Yes, the evening of November 21, my heart physically hurt. I apologized to my husband as it approached 1:00am and still I wept, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me!”

“Nothing’s wrong with you,” he said, gathering my wet self in his arms. Then he asked, “What are you thinking about?”

My answers were telling: a sense of heavy regret, that perhaps my pop is struggling somehow, and lastly, that I love him. My husband paused then and ever so gently asked, “Not baseball, or bowling?” My mirror, my Love, steered me back to one of my North Stars: be grateful. Within minutes the tears stopped, and I was sound asleep, lulled by what a sucker my pop was for animals and little kids, as evidenced the day we were shooting hoops, and I convinced him to buy me a parakeet if I made some crazy back-bend basket move that I had never before made in my life—until that day. When we arrived home with the bird, he took the heat for me, explaining to my mother that he had promised--and a promise made, is a promise kept. I called the parakeet, “Pretty Boy."

Whenever my heart begins aching on this Thanksgiving Day, I do my very best to think of the blessings of my father’s life. May your Thanksgiving be filled with promises kept and gratitude for family, friends and loved ones.