Become a Chinese Finger Trap

Happiest new year to you all! I just returned from a 10 day Vipassana Meditation retreat and have received many questions about my experience, so I thought to write a blog article. I knew very little about what I was getting into, and interestingly, the things I thought might be difficult (not eating after 12 noon, keeping the body warm while sitting still for long periods of time) were not so difficult, and the things I thought would be easy (vow of silence for 10 days, getting away from the daily grind) were not easy at all. By day two I was in a groove with the dining arrangement, enjoying thoroughly the light breakfast and delicious vegetarian lunch provided. In the evening, raw fruit and tea was served. I have quick metabolism and feared hunger would prove a distraction, but it didn't, and interestingly, it felt good to be light and hollow (condition one to becoming a Chinese Finger Trap...be patient, I'm getting there:). The floors were heated, so I was cozy as cozy can be and in damp Northern California with record lows, that was a blessing. The vow of silence was painstaking. When I saw other people having a hard time during our ten days, it was very difficult to not comfort them in the typical ways we tend to comfort. No communication or touch of any kind was permitted. So, I took to looking for ways of comforting that didn't involve any of the above: opening doors for people, turning serving spoons toward the next person in line, constructing a heart out of moss and leaving it outside the door to our cabin when one of my cabin mates was having a hard time. I guess this was technically communicating, oops. Regarding getting away from it all--I felt completely sensory deprived: lighting so low in the meditation hall it looked like dusk 24-7, no chairs to be found except during dining times, no talking, no touching, no extraneous mind chatter.... By day three, honestly, I was bored to tears. But all this changed once I got over the hump of day three.

This brings us to the meditation practice and becoming a Chinese Finger Trap. We sat for eleven hours a day, yes, eleven. I didn't know this until I showed up at the retreat. Not that a schedule wasn't sent, it was, but I decided if I looked, I would be scared away. I know, silly, but have you ever known you had to do something without fully understanding why? The Vipassana technique matches perfectly the Inner Constellation theory of wellness and is elegant in it's simplicity--so much so, that it may seem too simple to be effective: consciously breathe through the nose while scanning the body for any and all sensations without trying to change or manipulate anything--be present with whatever you sense without attraction or aversion. Why did I choose to observe myself like this, you might ask? In my work with trauma, my counseling skills only get me so far. I see the great need for equanimity above all else, to not judge what I'm hearing for this immediately takes me out of the present and into the trauma. I also know that when I begin to have an aversion to what I'm hearing, or experiencing in my own body, my effectiveness stops cold.

After 110 hours of sitting like this, did I reach Nirvana, did I obtain enlightenment and equanimity? Not exactly, but among the mundane experiences, I had some truly disembodied experiences, one of which was a very distinct feeling that I was enclosed in a woven cocoon and gently stretched and pulled from head to toe. "Chinese Finger Toy," crossed my mind as I experienced the sensations. The only way to get out of such a device is to relax and stop pulling, stop tugging, stop trying to control. This I did to the best of my ability and began to realize that during retreat I was a craver, my mind often chased the future of reuniting with family, cuddling with husband and Yogini (kitty) by the warm fire, skiing powder runs, eating chocolate, standing in bright sunshine, seeing my clients again. The list of cravings went on and on. How difficult it is to be in the present unknown moment arising, passing, and to be stretched and pulled by the inner and outer world without trying to control or manipulate what's going on and simply relax into the experience without any kind of judgment. To obtain such freedom is in line with my North Star--unshakable compassion. After this retreat, I'm even more convinced that body is the holy gateway, the framework for everything coming into expression and passing away. How do we chose to respond?