Balance Between Giving and Receiving

In this season of giving, I’m aware more strongly than ever, of giving’s counterpoint ~~ receiving. When we’re expressing love and care to another, unless it’s truly desired, our giving may not be helpful, in fact, it could be a downright source of distress. I was in the home of an elderly couple recently and asked how they were doing. One answered, “Not so good, I had a meltdown.” When I asked what happened, she reached over and placed a Starbucks bag on the table in front of us. She proceeded to pull out two ginormous coffee mugs with little knitted sweaters (koozies) on each. I couldn't contain myself and busted out laughing--they looked like two square headless people wearing knitted tube tops. 

The couple laughed along with me, saying, “These are so stinking heavy! With coffee in there, we can hardly lift them, even with two hands! By the time we put the little sweaters on—our beverage heat would go out the huge openings and be stone cold!” I added to the absurdity, "And, if you're like me and you dribble, the sweater is ruined!" Next, they told the story of receiving a coffee machine with all kinds of bells and whistles which was so confusing, they couldn’t get it to work and put it away for another day. Then, came two electric blankets, which they attempted to pass to me. “Christmas is so overwhelming!" was their conclusion. "We’re trying to downsize and in come all these gifts we just don’t need.” 

Of course, these gifts were given because the couple are dearly loved, we didn't miss that greatest gift. Who is being served when we give what is not needed, or wanted? 

After decompressing a bit, the three of us ticked down a project list: picking up deliveries from the front porch, putting the above gifts into a Goodwill pile!, breaking down cardboard boxes and taking them out to recyclables, considering a cycle for changing sheets on the bed, preparing the table for lunch, meeting the delivery driver and setting up the vittles. When I went to leave, the couple said, “This is what we needed today, you made life easier, thank you.” The smile on their faces, ease in their expressions and hugs were my greatest gifts that day. 

As I got in the car and drove home, I had received a true teaching that I continued to ponder on the drive. Reciprocity comes from genuine connection, knowing one another and not holding back, and doing our best to listen with our whole bodies and minds. What if I asked myself--what opportunity for giving is showing up right now? It may not be anything physical or monetary. Perhaps listening ears are one of the greatest gifts I can give. I had received a joy, indescribable, and returned to me.   

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

 

Stepping Inside (The Circle)

This weekend, I had the good fortune of working alongside a most compassionate nurse in the ICU where I work as an American Sign Language Medical Interpreter. I’ve written about the stability and presence of this remarkable nurse in a previous blog article. When I entered ICU, we greeted each other and touched base. He looked fresh and alert, his shift having just started. 

As we turned towards the patient, my knowledge added to the mix. I had known the patient for over 30 years and knew preferences and idiosyncrasies such as: the dominant signing arm upon bending to communicate, will occlude IV fluids, memory loss impacts tolerance for uncomfortable tubes, opening the window a crack to let in “cool, refreshing Lake Tahoe air,” is a personal prescription for healing, etc. Walking into the patient’s room was like taking on my “second skin.” I voiced the distress clearly etched on the patient’s features and signs as the care team listened attentively, asked questions and administered life stabilizing care. Respiratory came in and hooked up a suction wand. She asked, “I don’t know if this is appropriate, but with patient’s cognition, the wand will be forgotten. Do you mind reminding and encouraging?” I took a moment to check in with myself—how fully do I make contact with my patient’s experience? There was no resistance to this added role outside my professional parameters, no conflict, so I answered, “Yes. I sure can.” 

Foundation One of the Eight Foundations of Caregiving by Jonathan Prescott is described as, The Balance Between Self and Other. Do we consciously touch into the experience of those receiving our care or do we remain on the outside of their experiences? Exactly when is the point of contact? Every moment of care is a decision point. If we jump in with both feet, we leave behind our resources and our wisdom. To say it as directly as possible—we abandon ourselves in the care equation. However, if we consciously make a decision to touch in, allow the experience of the other person to penetrate our understanding, then we, who have a stable mind and compassionate heart, can be a wise and skillful foundation.

Just as importantly, there are times when rooting ourselves in our own resources is beneficial. Take for instance a painful procedure done only with local anesthesia, which happened this weekend in the ICU. If I touch my patient’s experience too viscerally, jumping two feet in, I will not be an effective interpreter passed out on the floor! It’s a constant dance, an interplay of myself and others. We are one and…we are also two. 

Caregiving Contemplation: This week as you meet people experiencing suffering, can you become aware of the point of contact? When and what is being asked of you? It may not be as direct as the question asked of me, it may be in a vacant expression, a movement, or your own fatigue sapping your strength. As you meet people experiencing happiness, can you be aware of  the point of contact? What draws you in? Every moment is an opportunity to decide, to connect with the joy and pain in ourselves and in our care circles. What is the balance as we ride the scale of wise compassionate care, self and other?  

As the Leaf, So am I

I'm sitting at my writing table window, watching the wind whip clean the Pine branches. Dead, brown pine straw lets go of the trees and flutters to the ground. Everywhere, three-pronged offerings spin down and are received by the earth without any fuss. It's Autumn, after all, it's the cycle of change. I don't always feel the season sloughing off with ease. Many years I have held onto summer as long as possible, but this Autumn, I'm genuinely experiencing letting go. 

Friday, I was invited to participate in feeding our local marginalized community. I showed up at the gathering hall, hoping to sit with people, eat dinner, listen, and get to know folks. The serving team supported my goal one hundred percent, yet something inside kept me busily at a distance. I arrived early and fell into the role of dutifully helping here and helping there. I noticed when I was "serving," taking the plate to a guest, offering water, and asking what was needed, I felt comfortable, friendly, and genuinely connected. Serving was my comfort zone. 

Twice I sat down and engaged with people and was entirely rewarded, not by what I gave but by what I received. Eventually, I met two Jamaican men and asked what brought them to Tahoe. One of the men gently smiled, explaining that the Jamaican dollar had devalued over the years to the point that it was barely worth anything ($100 Jamaican dollars are worth 63 US cents). Socialist Democracy had taken over his country. I knew none of this and listened with rapt attention as he explained his plan to work in the USA and get his life back. He said in a lilting voice, "I'm a man of peace, I don't do violence. Someone told me to come to Lake Tahoe, CA, so here I am. It's beautiful and the people are so nice." He oozed warm-hearted gratitude. 

The other person I sat with was a bedraggled, wild-eyed man who I had met years ago at the Mental Health Department. He bombastically strolled in, sat down, shoveled in his food, and then dramatically pushed his finished plates across the table for the approaching server to gather. He was told to settle down. Genuinely wishing to reconnect, I sat down with this man and another older fellow who quietly sat beside him. He watched all the commotion and didn't move away as the others at his table had. Before I could wonder what to say, I was asked rocket-fire questions: Do you live in Tahoe? How long? How old are you? Do you have children? When did you graduate? Then...introductions followed. The carbonated atmosphere calmed as we told stories and shared desserts. 

At night's end, after cleaning up, the friend who invited me asked if I got what I wanted from the evening. Yes, I answered, and then shared my strong pull towards serving and productivity, not wanting to appear as being a slacker by the team and...the great joy of finally making deeper connections. My friend reiterated her support to just sit, eat, and be with the guests. The team members close by nodded in agreement, "It's what they need most." 

It's what I need most. Is service a shield I wear, or perhaps a cape I tie on before I fly in to save the day? What might happen if I simply show up and let the winds blow me here, blow me there? I know I am ultimately supported 100%, by my practice, by the ground of who I am--the ancestors, my good heart, love, compassion--those things AT MY SERVICE that are inexhaustible. 

May our letting go of the season be gentle, full, and thorough. May we not fight change but trust where it's leading us. Letting go, may we meet our neighbors with nothing to fix and everything to learn.

  

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

…find out what it means to me….

An opportunity to pilot a street chaplaincy program in my hometown has arisen. I recently visited with someone I consider an expert in the arena of street living—a loved one who struggles with homelessness and substance abuse. I asked him, “What’s your advice for me?” This is what he said:

RESPECT — no matter where someone is on their journey, they deserve respect. When I’ve been at my lowest— dirty, garbage bags full of belongings, I’m looked at differently. When I go to Franklin and Marshall College campus, carrying my backpack, in context, I’m treated like everyone else. I’m not bothered, I’m left alone. Yet, when I’m at my worst, someone who smiled at me the day before looks at me differently. When someone is at their lowest, isn’t this when they need respect the most?

BE CAREFUL – if someone doesn’t want to talk, leave them alone. People are capable of doing anything when they’re desperate. Don’t push it, give people space. You never know the full extent of what a person is going through.

It all boils down to respect.

*~*~^’^~**~*~^*~*~^~*~*~*~^
This beautiful conversation reminded me of our basic humanity and goodness—we all deeply yearn for respect, safety, and dignity. These are universal desires and when extended to another, they connect us in the hardest of circumstances. How many times do our perceptions color what is actually before us? Labels such as addict, recovery, homeless, affluent, and many others, inform our responses. In an age of recognizing and celebrating differences, is basic shared goodness forgotten? Is it possible to simply SEE? Shared humanity and longing are the root of my loved one’s advice based on his personal experience. May all beings everywhere know their worth, and see it reflected back to them. May we be clear mirrors for one another.      

* If you and your family are impacted by substance abuse, homelessness or mental health challenges, please consider reaching out for community support both face-to-face and online at InnerConstellation.com

Trump’s Assassination Attempt

I’m just going to say it plain and say it straight. The attempt on former President Trump was not such a shocker to me given the rising political discord. Without a stop-break, discord will grow. What’s the real shocker to me are the public responses I’m reading on social media. Where is the decency, where is the compassionate heart for everyone affected by last night’s events? 

I was given a very clear mirror of my own limited heart this morning when, during a call with a community of meditators, I mentioned engaging with the current news. A few people didn’t know what I was referring to, so I mentioned the injury to Trump, another person in critical condition, and the loss of one life. Another person added, like a clear mirror—“and the shooter.” I thanked him, seeing how unconsciously I had dismissed the sniper’s life. After the call, I sat with my dismissal of the one who perpetrated the violence. It was completely unconscious. Why was the sniper left out of my compassionate response? The night before, watching the unfolding events, I had felt a great sadness for the sniper, but most deeply for his family. How might it feel to have one of your own commit an act of violence, did the family feel a sense of responsibility? I can certainly relate. I’ve experienced members of my family who have actually become menacing to society and were incarcerated. I have felt great accountability. Why had I dismissed the sniper’s life? 

For me, “dismissed,” is a key action. How could I have “dismissed,” another as not worthy of my compassion?  One of my first honest questions when viewing the event was, “how many people were struck?” And then, “Who would do this?” All on stage were literally sitting ducks, how terrifying. Next, my mind went to the secret service agents, especially the young woman who continually put her full body in front of Trump’s heart, again and again, until he was in relative safety. There was a doctor on stage who immediately began tending victims. These heroes operated from a place of preserving life and negating a threat to life. 

I’ve identified three key components for myself and I’m mindfully practicing with them this week during the chaos that will certainly ensue: identify when I close down in my body, tend to myself, and open my heart.

I know what dismissal and closed off feels like in my body, I know how to breathe and recognize, breathe and open. In/out until I can engage my heart. What and who am I dismissing? Who is outside of my love and attention? Can I soften those hard lines? 

I’m committed to not having a part in promoting more discord, but in transforming the tragic events of Saturday night. May all impacted by our country’s discord be shocked awake, may we put all resistance aside and embrace the universal right for all people to be free, safe and happy. 

Fourth of July

I’m sitting in the garden on the Fourth of July, beneath an old and mighty Pine tree. Flowers have been watered, garden lettuce is wet and smiling, there’s even a little frog tucked into the crease of the patio chair cushion beside me. All is right in the Independence Day Tahoe world as I smell the grills firing up in anticipation of a community BBQ in about half an hour. I don’t anticipate finishing this vignette before the parade comes alive on my street, kiddos on tricked out bikes and dogs and people decorated in reds, whites and blues, but I wish to get a start. You see, I don’t want to be pulled away, distracted by the long weekend, disconnected from a reality that I see appearing again and again in my life—that of interdependence.

Interdependence began last week in the hospital where I work, when I happened across a precious moment in time. I had walked into the ICU to put away a piece of equipment. The ICU is in the shape  of a rectangle with nursing station in the center and sides of the rectangle, made of see-through glass walls, so each room’s occupants can be monitored at a glance. The door I  entered was directly beside a row of rooms, where within was a very frail, old man, lying supine, eyes closed. Draped over his body was an American flag, whose top corner had just left the hand of a male nurse, having finished pulling the flag across the body.

I stopped in my tracks, took in the sight as the nurse stood at bedside, head bowed and unmoving. Goosebumps covered my whole body, as I, too, dropped into the sacred moment— a gift of honor—the final act of care. No one else was in the room, no family, no other personnel just the veteran and his nurse, connected through happenstance, both living lives of service. It was deeply moving. 

As if this was not enough to demonstrate interdependence, that evening I went to a graduation where a man spoke about a veteran who had died that day. He had been the last surviving D-Day veteran in our town. I wondered—could this have been the man draped with the flag?

(I pause at this dramatic moment to stroll in the parade and eat July 4^th lunch with the neighbors!)

I’m back, once more in the writing nook, beneath the Pine, belly full, heart even fuller in celebration’s wake. I understand, honor and cherish our country’s history, the men and women who died fighting for freedom, Veterans of War covered beneath the red, white and blue and…the reality of interdependence is also alongside freedom. As if the hospital and graduation were not enough to confirm interdependence, guess who I saw at the community BBQ—the nurse who draped the flag! Yes, no lie, (my husband and the nurse are my witnesses!) Whoever is sending the messages, I get it!  

No single act, not a single one, goes without ripples. Every thought, word, action, has a reaction and the ripples go out and go out and touch lives. We are intricately connected, woven in more ways than can be imagined. Countless times throughout the day, we are given glimpses of our interdependence. Is there recognition? Is there someone with eyes to see?  I am you. You are me. My freedom is your freedom. We are profoundly connected with all things, we are interwoven. We are interdependent, a cause for celebration!
 

We Thirst, so We Dug A Well

I’m sitting on a meditation Zoom call, in the garden. A brilliant blue Steller's Jay lands in the empty granite pond and cocks it’s head like they do, looking for water. Turning off my laptop camera, I get up to fetch the hose. I’m moved to tears. A few days ago, a dear loved one slid into homelessness, and my heart is blown open. What is this human tendency to only fully enter another’s suffering when it hits home? I’m very attuned, in this moment, to all those who may struggle to find food, water, safety and shelter. As a child I remember wondering, why does my father’s suffering affect me so deeply, but the suffering of a random man at the grocery store does not? 

Immediacy opens the heart and may it not close, may it never close. The same can be said about joy, I suppose. When someone we love dearly is given a tremendous fortune, say they buy a house or have a baby—we’re overjoyed for them, when it’s a complete stranger, not so much. Our joys, our sorrows, come back to the I: preferences, desires, me and mine. What if the whole world is ours? What if? 

Because it is. This is what I’m realizing. The only way I can be so wide, spacious and free is with the support of my spiritual practice and my community. Everyone deserves such support—the Steller's Jay, my dear beloved ones, the stranger in the grocery store. We all need friends on the path of life, looking out for one another. May we remember:

The whole world is ours, from the smallest grass to the wide blue sky. If we see a joy, may we rejoice. If we see someone thirsting, may we get up and dig a well.

The practice of mindfulness is the clear lens through which I see. Only when I stop and look with eyes that are awake and undisturbed, can I see what is beyond me. Perhaps, even see that life is never just about me and mine. The whole world belongs to me. As my loved one stumbles through his pain and sorrow, he is like a domino, touching here, touching there. May Bodhisattvas near and far help stop the momentum, see him as the whole world—the smallest grass to the wide blue sky. As a community, may we feel the thirst, and help dig a well.

Taking the Plunge

In Zen Peacemakers there's a term used to express stepping into an unknown experience, perhaps of your own accord, or perhaps through happenstance. I had such a stepping-into moment two weeks ago, and I've been mining it ever since. As is my favorite way for a story to unfold—a poem...

Inside A Compass Rose
©April 24, 2024 Karla Johnston, InnerConstellation.com

“Israel and Gaza’s war is in my spine,” a loved one says,
describing his blown out back.

Thousands of miles away,
a newborn child is presented to a father to hold.
He rips off his shirt like a stripper,
smiling wider than ever before.
The miracle of a five pound life,
six weeks premature,
moves an ocean of tears to flow
and flow…
baptizing beating hearts,
skin to skin.
Hands longer than the length of baby’s body
cup tiny, curved vertebrae.
Papa drops his head,
whispers to child,
intricately woven.

After all of this, a 90-minute open dialogue—
Jane Hirshfield reading her poetry,
“Let them not say: we did not see it.
We saw.
Let them not say: we did not hear it.
We heard….
Let them not say: they did nothing.
We did not enough.”

I go to class where I teach 19 students
a beautiful and silent language,
American Sign Language.
In the midst of our circle,
a halo of laughter and quiet intimacy,
an unknown young man walks into room’s center,
holding an open laptop computer.
Confused, agitated,
he asks what we know of Pythagorean Theorem.
Hands shocked still, eyes riveted,
the pin drops,
it happens that fast.
I walk toward him, slowly reach out my hand,
touch his open laptop screen, turn him around
and ask, “What do you need help with?”

He shows computer screen: typed profanity,
lines and lines of wing-ding font,
equations in a multitude of colors.
With the other hand on his back, I guide him to the door,
a pungent odor enveloping us.
He asks, now, quietly, “Why is no one answering me?”

I say, “Some are Deaf and don’t hear you.”
Goosebumps cover my whole body—
it’s the truest thing I’ve said all day.
Beneath my hand, tense shoulders relax,
ripple out like water.
“Don’t worry about it then,” he says docilely 
and stumbles away.

Life is lived in the body,
this concise moment is life.

Life wakes us up,
again and again.

Each of us feels the way,
magnetized needle,
pulling in cardinal directions,
inside the circle of a compass rose.

Where are we going?
When I meet you,
may we find our way.

*~^*~^~~*^ *~^*~^~~*^ *~^*~^~~*^

If someone had said I would respond to an incident in the classroom by engaging, touching and guiding the disruptive and confused person out the door, I would have replied, no way. Yet, in the moment, I knew what to do, and, mysteriously, had no fear. I engaged as if it was the most ordinary thing to do. I've taken the moments apart, really wanting to know—what allowed me to be fully present and respond with an unguarded heart?

I've recognized three components. First, I had just participated in a 90 minute offering of poetry and was truly in a place of peace, well-being and beauty. And...three days before, I had been part of a two day retreat offering that was total nourishment. I was still very much in this reality of healing and tenderness. 

Second, the responsibility to my students overrode every other response. In my head, I heard clear as a bell, "He must leave the classroom." I knew we were vulnerably exposed with him in our center and there was no other option. I was responsible, and yet, aren't we, at every moment, responsible for each other? During the disturbance, a few students began to giggle nervously and the young man became increasingly agitated. I made eye contact with them, trying to convey that laughter could escalate the situation. The students read the communication clearly and stopped. We are intricately entwined. We always belong to one another, don't we? In an instant our actions harm, our actions soothe. 

Third, I've been exposed to loved ones struggling to find balance in waves of overwhelming confusion. My heart opened to the man’s suffering, not his chaos, because I’ve been exposed to similar despair in loved ones and those in addiction and recovery. Working in the field, I recognized some signs and symptoms.

Internal well-being, responsibility to protect those in my charge, understanding based on personal experience—these three factors allowed my heart to embrace and not resist the painful situation. Over the last two weeks, I've readjusted my schedule, taken things off my plate and added things that give me nourishment. I've experience the power of responding from a restful place.

I've also added a daily practice of contemplating interconnectedness. It's impossible to be in this world alone, the sufferings and joys of the whole world find us. As mysterious and beautiful life will have it, a loved one reached out during this reflective two weeks, sharing a tremendous mental health challenge—another plunge opportunity. Connecting with my loved one honed and added to my personal experience, challenging me to turn towards whatever arises, to take the plunge and not walk away.   

Beautiful Creatures

When I woke this morning, I sat on the edge of the bed and watched snow falling again out the sliding glass door. It felt especially unwanted after a lovely 53 degree day yesterday. I actually waved it away as I crawled out of bed and passed the window, thinking, “April 4 Tundra Land, we’re getting jipped on Spring. Someone’s happy about this right?”

Turning on my computer, I joined the Lotuses in the Mud Recovery Family morning mindfulness group. I lined up the bells for meditation and prepared to lead as we entered into our April theme, “Humor as a Practice Partner.” The meditation was on getting in touch with a “Light Heart.” Our checkin was a smattering of ups, downs and all arounds until we got to a chat prompt—what are the characteristics of a light heart? The entries were smile provoking:

silliness, a sense of the absurd, seeing the bigger picture, urge to dance!…and sing, unafraid, confident, grounded, in the now, “Baby mind” — I think about the giggles of an infant that isn’t speaking yet, relief and ease, appreciation and beauty, freshness, alive/aware of the unexpected, riding on the back of a horse with the wind flying through your hair 

We came back to our breathing, the foundation of our practice of mindfulness and in a matter of minutes the characteristics of a light heart were materializing in our own bodies and minds. I gazed out the window above my computer and experienced the snow propelled upward in playful, circular patterns. It was beautiful. The regulation of the body through a few in breaths and out breathes had opened and clarified my mind, my perspective had entirely shifted. A lullaby with no where to go, gently tumbled out. Closing the meditation with a poem by Hafiz, I could feel the calm center we had all arrived at:

There is a beautiful creature
Living in a hole you have dug. 

So at night

I set fruit and grains

And little pots of milk

Besides your soft earthen mounds,

And I often sing.

But still, my dear,

You do not come out.

I have fallen in love with Someone

Who hides inside you.

We should talk about this problem--

Otherwise,

I will never leave you alone.” 

― Hafiz, I Heard God Laughing: Poems of Hope and Joy

Do you know how loved you are? And how absolutely expertly our living, breathing bodies can lift us up and out of the holes we manage to dig and fall into? Come join us on Thursdays at 7:45a Pacific if you need reminded: 

Zoom Meeting ID: 988 3428 9711
Passcode: LTMC

Cup the Light

Two weeks ago, I drove down into the Sacramento Valley to take a break from our March Winter Tahoe Blast. Grateful feet touched the earth rather than 4 feet of snow crust as I  jogged on a green-space trail, and then, I saw this...

So bright and open these sweet California poppies, they took my breath away, literally. I stopped like a deer in headlights and thought, "They're cupping the light!" I was enraptured! An older couple on the other side of the street, peered at me kind of curiously and smiled when I waved. Living in the tundra lands, life can be so monochrome this time of year, the bright orange hillside just about knocked me flat. 

I like this weird winter phenomenon because it keeps me from taking beauty for granted. It's a visceral experience driving a mere hour away and witnessing the land come alive with vibrancy, bird song, organic smells, bugs and crawling things in the 20 degree warmer atmosphere.  

So I rolled in the grass a bit, took pictures of the light catchers, got back up and went on my merry way. My first thought was, "Well, at least if California is supposedly going to hell in a handbasket our state flower is cool and will hopefully continue to thrive and flourish!" Then my second thought was, I know people who cup the light like that, people who are bright rays of sunshine that flood a person's monochrome day. One of them I call "Puppy," (you know who you are), and another is a 76 years old with congestive heart failure, who has no reason to cup the light, and yet she does, and in her words, "...still clicks along."  

I love this metaphor of cupping the light. Where have you seen such phenomena expressed? Do you feel light...right now, opening inside? Do you have the good fortune of knowing one or two light catchers in your life? If you do, please send them this post. Please tell them you love, appreciate and notice their beauty. We are cups of light, waving on the green rolling hillside, holding it until someone who needs it walks by. Here you go, take a sip, and then another....   

By the Way ~ It's Spring!

We Interrupt This Sorrow
©March 18, 2024, Karla Johnston, InnerConstellation.com

Sun rises, in an open, cloudless sky,
a day before Spring.
Earth applauds, seemingly more alive this morning.
I pause work, step onto the front deck,
while holding a handful of last year’s dried garden flowers,
an offering to the warm sun I will soon be feeling
as it moves to peek over the mountains.
I wait, somewhat impatiently, in the chilly 28 degrees,
noticing as I do, the receding edge of the snowbank,
a shoreline of bright green and furry mosses,
growing in the direction of True North.
Warmth penetrates my body….

Words bubble up, some might call them prayers, or gratitudes.
After each one, a crumbling of flowers is offered.
When I run dry, I go back inside,
and Bene the cat, jumps down from his perch by the fire,
stretches languidly, stacking every small, fine vertebra neatly into place,
and smiles as he saunters towards me.

My husband, a buddha in my life, made a simple observation yesterday
and it has stayed with me ever since,
like a sun, rising.
We were discussing the opioid crisis,
statistics very real to me in my work,
family life and service to my community.
We were discussing the devotion of someone to the cause,
that they were in the thick of it.
Buddha spoke, “and opioids have sadly claimed one more life.”

He ignited a burning question, it has not let up, even as I write this poem for reprieve—
how can I keep my heart open, receptive, moving in the direction of positivity and beauty
with so much loss: 112,000 lives in 2023, and all the loved ones in the fall out?
How can I prevent the claiming of another life, my own and people who care?

The answer? Here it comes…
just like that slow, cresting sun, 
over snow-covered mountains:
Pause, pause, pause again, and after that, keep pausing.
Poems, prayers, exercise, gardening, meditation….
Each pause holds a dedication, just like the green growing things,
the promise deep within DNA—
to express the beauty of life, the balance
and always keep moving True North.
True North?
A treasured and beautiful life
in the thick of it.   

Thank you, life-giving sun, the ebb, and flow,
Thank you branches of trees, waving a bouncy snap
as they unfurl, sun-soaked and freed from snowbanks.
New and precious life all along the edge of Winter,
remembering Spring, pushing up and out…
Thank you.

Bearing Witness

I'm sitting by the fire with Bene the Cat, soaking up the warmth of our collective, purring bodies and reading poetry (Mary Oliver). Contemplative poetry has always been a tremendous source of inspiration to me, and I made a connection as to why. 

A few hours ago, I attended a training, diving into the 3 tenets of the Zen Peacekeepers Order: 

~ Not knowing

~ Bearing Witness

~ Loving Action

Bearing Witness is being purely present to an experience without judgment, with no attempts to fix, shorten or lengthen the experience, but to fully engage, as open-hearted as possible. Bearing Witness to life as it unfolds seems exactly what a good poem/poet achieves. Mary Oliver was known to just head out into the woods each day with her journal and write about what she witnessed. Here's the poem I just finished: 

White Owl Flies Into and Out of the Field Coming down
out of the freezing sky
with its depths of light,
like an angel,
or a buddha with wings,
it was beautiful
and accurate,
striking the snow and whatever was there
with a force that left the imprint
of the tips of its wings —
five feet apart — and the grabbing
thrust of its feet,
and the indentation of what had been running
through the white valleys
of snow —

and then it rose, gracefully,
and flew back to the frozen marshes,
to lurk there,
like a little lighthouse,
in the blue shadows —
so I thought:
maybe death
isn't darkness, after all,
but so much light
wrapping itself around us —
as soft as feathers —
that we are instantly weary
of looking, and looking, and shut our eyes,

not without amazement,
and let ourselves be carried,
as through the translucence of mica,
to the river
that is without the least dapple or shadow —
that is nothing but light — scalding, aortal light —
in which we are washed and washed
out of our bones.

Raw, condensed, and so very watchful, a full witnessing of the owl, and then, the turning inward, the contemplation, becoming one with this expression of life (and death)--Bearing Witness. 

I can't imagine the owl was an uplifting sight, and yet, it filled her with awe-inspiring wonder, and she reported faithfully without any interference. Bless the poets in our midst--those who practice Bearing Witness: to the owl, to Israel and Gaza, to the baby taking her first steps, to the lengthening light of Springtime. May we practice allowing life to unfold freely, greeting what arises with respect, dignity, openness and wonderment.  

 

Tea with Willie Takahashi

Dear Ones, every precious once in a while, you meet a bright light that warms you with the gratitude of their life, the ups and downs, all conditions for thanksgiving. Such a friend passed with prayers of gratitude on his lips and those of his family. His lesson for me came on the second sunset, after he had passed. I share it here as a dedication to recognize the blessings of my life this week in all my writing shares, starting here….

Tea Ceremony with Willie Takahashi

©2024 Karla Johnston, InnerConstellation.com

 

“What is the sweetness you can add to your life so it is not so bitter?”

Green Matcha tea astringency, 

Greets my tongue,

Warming the core of my body, 

As I kneel on a buckwheat cushion

In streams of late afternoon sun.

 

Touch of maple syrup, added on a whim,

Is awash,
Palatable sweetness,

A living question, 
Swallowed down the dark tunnel of my body.

I bow, 
Add to my tears: 
Warm sunshine,
Clouds, tinged gray,
Slowly moving, 
A soft and gentle Pureland
In a windless sky.

Springtime rests on mountain’s horizon, 
Cupping sun’s setting rays.

 

“What is the sweetness you can add to your life so it is not so bitter?”

Dear Friend, Willie, is the question yours?

Are you here, continuing to stir our hearts,

Boundless in shape and form?

 

Five o’clock chime of the Mahogany clock, 

sings back a familiar, melodious tune. 

The question, so tenderly rests here…

Like Green Matcha Tea, with a touch of maple syrup,

Shared ceremoniously between you and me.  

Your Other Lives

In my journey of letting go of the many things I can't control, and fully appreciating the things I can, a poem arose. I'm grateful for the people in my life who allow me to practice my North Star ~ Compassion as the #1 condition, before being right, proving something or any other reasons my ego contrives.... 

Your Other Lives
©February 3, 2024 Karla Johnston, InnerConstellation.com

Irish Poet and philosopher, John O’Donohue,
asked a lilting question—
In the major crossroads of life,
you make pivotal decisions,
that send you in a completely different direction—
What happens to your other lives?
What happens to the ones who continue onward,
not turning at the crossroads?

My other life called last night,
I understood only about half of what he said,
compromised in a myriad of ways.
He longs to travel, but has not yet physically voyaged 
beyond where we were born and raised,
and so, because he, too, feels our connection,
he asks about my recent trip to Hawaii.
We talk of the ocean, shades of every imaginable blue,
crash of giant waves, reverberating in the gut.
His listening pause is companionable, knowing, spacious and true.
We speak of a Sea Turtle, rising above the coral floor
and staring with huge black eyes, into mine.
“Hmmm,” he says dreamily, “that’s awe-some.”

Even now, that ancient one wedges herself among the reef and rests
while liquid waves of poetry roll by....

When conversation flows to slurring mush,
I wrestle with expectation,
I want to ask about the recent battery of tests,
analyzing his beautiful brain.
I feel an almost unbearable desire to see the unseeable,
to know what is happening inside our cellular body.
I wish to penetrate beyond phone waves,
beyond instinct
to understand what is happening.
Then, Dear Second-Body,
I have a moment of lucidity:
all of this expectation,
competes with just loving you,
just loving us.
You are my life,
and, I am yours.

Riding the waves
as roads intersect:
addiction, recovery,
healthy, unhealthy,
clarity, unclarity,
I walk the only road I care to walk ~
that of love.

The Teacher’s Continuation

While visiting the land of Aloha, I wrote a poem to Dear Thich Nhat Hanh, who is one of my teacher’s, and now a spiritual ancestor. It’s been 2 years since his passing, January 21 in the USA and January 22 in Vietnam, his country of origin. 

The Teacher’s Continuation

January 21, 2024
©2024 Karla Johnston InnerConstellation.com

 

Hawaii, wake up: 
moisture-sky, rain droplets and rooster calls. 
Good morning, Dear Thay,*

Two years since your passing.
Beloved teacher, I bow to you.
Feeling the quality of my teacher’s breathing

In…and out…as driving to the temple, I park,

grateful for the auspicious timing of the visit. 

 

Kwan Yin statue ~ golden, monstrous, garish.

Bows, incense offerings, 
bows, fake money aflame for prosperity, 
bows, an old mangy Tom Cat batting around his empty dish,

not too hungry for affection, we greet, rub, bump.

I walk next door to Foster Botanical Gardens,
to a Bodhi tree, a descendant of the tree of enlightenment.

A gifted branch, planted by Mary Foster. 
Its green heart-shaped leaves quiver and shine.
I bow my head to my ancestors, to the care and tending of Mary Foster, 
to the tall, sprawling green-armed bodhisattva, entirely alive. 

Self-tour of ancient trees, numbers 1-21.
Number 18 remains allusive, 
even after persistent returning again and again to the map.
Undiscovered, Doum Palm, an early relative that produced fruit found in King Tut’s tomb, 
a prized specimen, largest in the U.S.

I sit beneath the Bodhi Tree, 
breathing-in enlightenment…
breathing-out, poetry. 

Then, I pack it up, and walk back to the temple, to a still-hungry cat,
who is now mewing his unhappiness. 
I sit beside him, offer my condolences, 
consider if he would share the banana I have in my backpack. 
A temple tender opens the door next to us
and we produce the most sorrowful expressions we can muster. 

She smiles and comes back with a bag of Meow Mix.  

All of us are entirely dependent on a multitude of kindnesses: 
a Bodhi tree, an ancient Egyptian fruit, 
the hands that feed us, our dear teachers,

If we think that’s the only magic, 

the point is missed. 

 

I offer a single stick of incense, watch the cat hum happily,
drop a donation in the jar,

walk to my friend’s borrowed car and start the engine.

Every single thing encountered, is sacred—

a vehicle, an inspiration, a holy persistence,

and we are their continuation.  
 

*Thay – Vietnamese for ‘teacher,’ in this instance Thich Nhat Hanh

New Year 2024: Be Water

Happy 2024, everyone. I spent the day doing the things I wish to increase in my life, which included writing in the new year. May 2024 be fresh, happy and free with this blessing from Bruce Lee, and a poetic response below....

"Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves.

Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”

 

“Be Water, My Friend.”
©January 1, 2024 Karla Johnston, InnerConstellation.com

2024 blessing from Bruce Lee:
Blue sky,
clear Lake, like glass,
mirroring.
What are conditions that set the stage?
Knowing the answer, is intimacy with water.

Formless,
Shapeless,
Boundary-less.

Like love,
finding the low ground
to me,
where I stand upon the shore,
having turned away,
shutting off the valve,
stopping the flow.
Because—resistance has set in.
But love, like water, keeps flowing,
it cannot help but fill all the empty spots.  

2024, I commit, to honoring and tending my body,
giving myself conditions of nourishment.
When struggle arises, I stay with it and know—
awareness, like water,
allows compassion to flow.

2024, I commit, to honoring and tending my body-outside-my-body,
provide others with conditions of nourishment.
When suffering arises, I open to it, and know—
love, like water, actually cannot be stopped,
it’s a clear conduit
between us.